Another Day
by larceni
Summary: She reflects on the life she can't have - written with empathy


Title: Another Day  
  
Author: larceni  
  
Genre: Angst/Songfic  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: not mine, song 'My Immortal' by Evanescence, marked by *  
  
She had returned later than normal. Down the hallway she had collapsed against the wall, unable to force her legs to carry her any further. The only response she received from the rooms around her was a sharp complaint from the old man next door, followed by a resounding thump from someone else across the landing.  
  
It was the worst part of her day, returning 'home'.  
  
After struggling with the keys for a few moments, her fingers succumbed, fumbling and releasing them. They fell to the floor, clinking loudly in the silent hallway, but she did not hear a noise. Slowly she leant her forehead against the door, closing her eyes in pain and fatigue.  
  
*I'm so tired of being here  
  
Suppressed by all my childish fears*  
  
Even more slowly, gently, she lowered herself down to pick up the keys. Her eyes caught on her hand as it stretched out, down. The skin was white, whiter than it had ever been, and stretched over long, bony fingers. Too thin, she thought for a moment, before shaking herself out of the dream for the millionth time that night.  
  
The key slid in and turned. Click.  
  
It was dark inside, but she made no move for the lights. The first thing to fall to the floor was the bag, followed by the wig and coat. The shirt came off more slowly, as she felt her bones begin to ache again. At least there hadn't been any blood this time.  
  
She swayed in the middle of the room, weighing up a bath or bed. Fatigue caused her to lean towards the bed. She was tired, and sleep would dull the ache, would halt her thoughts.  
  
Sleep would bring the dreams.  
  
So a bath it was.  
  
*And if you have to leave,  
  
I wish that you would just leave*  
  
It was the worst part of her day. Work even ranked above this, albeit by a small margin. Work occupied her thoughts, made her feel busy, gave her something else to concentrate on. She couldn't afford to be lost in her own world if she was in the process of saving the world, again.  
  
But this; sitting in the bath or anything else; reading a book, watching TV... all trod the same path back to the same thoughts.  
  
*Coz your presence still lingers here  
  
And it won't leave me alone*  
  
She knew it inside her, no matter how distracted she became or how focused on something else. It didn't make a difference if she felt something akin to happiness either; it had been long enough for her to know that the feeling didn't last, and that in the end it was inevitable.  
  
*These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real*  
  
She had tried, of course, first opting for her favourite: compartmentalizing. It was a tried and true method, one that had never failed her before, so it came as a shock when it hit home that it wasn't working.  
  
There wasn't much else she could do. There was no one to talk to, nowhere to turn when she felt like her insides were falling apart, no one to hold her. The world she now worked in was not her own, and as much as she respected and liked Kendall as a friend, he could never give her the emotional support she so desperately needed.  
  
She reasoned that it would fade with time; because feelings always do. For a brief period of time she had tried to force herself to stop feeling, but discovered that although feelings may fade, they cannot be forced to.  
  
Thus, she turned to work, trying to blanket her past life under her present, whiting it out. Overall it was a more successful method than her first; most of the time she closed herself off from the rest of her mind, and it worked while she was occupied...  
  
Until she returned home.  
  
*There's just too much that time cannot erase*  
  
At first she had found that the most painful things were the memories. Even sitting in the bath triggered a torrent of gentle caresses, wine glasses and soft music in the background. It pained her greatly every single time her mind reached back to the past, but she could not stop it. Every memory; every loving touch and gentle word, were deep cuts in her heart, no matter how much she treasured them.  
  
*When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears*  
  
And inevitably, following the memories of them came the image of them; her porcelain face and perfect blonde hair, him reaching to her just as much as she had to him, arms outstretched and lips to the ready. It was a vision she could not wipe from remembrance, no matter how hard she tried.  
  
She tried to reason her way through it. Since he had moved on, and only a short nine months after she had disappeared, he obviously hadn't felt as strongly about her as she had about him.  
  
He's not worth it.  
  
And there was an aspect of danger in it too; there had been people watching him, a sign of... of what? Of the Covenant keeping tabs on her ex-boyfriend in case she returned? She knew she couldn't, wouldn't. No matter how much she longed for him, and even if half of her believed that he would again be hers if she first returned to him... It's for his protection.  
  
And yet, her feelings would not change.  
  
*I've held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have all of me*  
  
She shivered. At some time during her reverie the water had cooled down, now chilling her to the bone. Reluctantly, she pulled out the plug, watching the water drain away from around her until it had completely seeped away.  
  
She could imagine him there, as he had been only a year ago, standing there with a bathrobe, wrapping it around her, keeping her warm. Again she felt the ghost of his hand on her cheek, soft and comforting; her guardian angel.  
  
For a moment her brow knitted as she was overcome by a wave of sadness and longing. Although she had lost her life as she knew it, it could not compare to the feeling of being torn away from him for what she saw as forever.  
  
*You used to captivate me by your resonating light,  
  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind *  
  
Finally she rose from the empty tub, wrapping herself in a towel and walking back into the room. In the doorway she paused, refusing to look up, hoping against all hopes that he would be standing there, waiting for her.  
  
He never was, but the hoping had become a habit.  
  
Her gaze turned to the bed. She was exhausted, both physically and mentally, so there was good reason to simply stagger across the floor and allow herself to give in to fatigue. However, there was also reason not to.  
  
Sleep would bring the dreams.  
  
*Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
  
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me*  
  
She dreaded the night, or whenever it happened to be that she caught a few hours of sleep. He plagued her dreams, turning them to nightmares, causing her to wake in the early hours of morning in a cold sweat and with a heartbeat even faster than when she was out on a mission. At the start, the dreams had begun pleasantly. She had believed that he was there, that the past year had been the real dream, and that they were still together.  
  
Then the dreams turned bad. She would find herself surrounded by faceless people, being tied down and tortured while he looked on with an emotionless expression on his face. Other times it was her watching him as he was being dragged away, or as he was burnt in her apartment while she was helpless to stop it.  
  
But worst of all was when she woke believing in the dream; opening her eyes feeling happy again, thinking he was still lying beside her, before the real world came crashing back down and her dreams were again shattered.  
  
*These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase*  
  
Fatigue won over, and she replaced the towel with some old clothes, too big for her lean body and too thin to keep her warm. Slowly she crawled into bed, finding her way under the covers and resting her head back on the pillow.  
  
The silence of the motel crept into her ears, keeping her weary mind on edge. She liked to hear noises before she fell asleep; it made her feel more secure, as if the world wasn't really watching her, or waiting for her to make a fatal mistake. She needed noises, because even noises could sometimes distract her thoughts...  
  
But the air was moved by nothing, and her feelings returned, as they always did.  
  
*When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you screamed, I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have all of me*  
  
First came the memories of their time together; memories of the 'flirting corner', the pier, and the station. She had rerun conversations about bartenders and grasshoppers, about having a drawer a million times over, and then a million times more. She remembered every detail about saving him from Taiwan, and about being saved more times than either of them could count.  
  
*I've tried to hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
But though you're still with me,  
  
I've been alone all along*  
  
Yet in the end it wasn't even the memories that burnt her the most. It wasn't the Kings, or the Vatican, or his father's treasured watch that brought her down hardest, even though those memories did have the power to turn her smile to a frown.  
  
In the end, it was simply the knowledge. The knowledge that no matter how far from him she stayed, no matter who she met in the course of the rest of her life, no matter how brilliant the world's men showed themselves to be, she would never move on. The feeling that she could find someone else had come and gone several times, only to be replaced by the void in her that could only be covered up, and never filled. She knew it, and it was killing her, had killed her a million times over already.  
  
She was helpless to stop it. Just as she knew everything else, she knew this. There was a void where her heart should have been, a void that existed because her heart belonged to someone else. Always had, and always would.  
  
*When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you screamed, I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have all of me* 


End file.
